Suddenly Syndie

2004-04-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

Several of my friends have asked me what happend to my blogging... one friend said he figured I must have given it up for Lent. No... just been a little busy lately. you know.. life and all.

Things are good most days. I'm learning to ~ well... I'm not sure I can explain it at the moment. Suffice it to say that I'm learning. And learning is always good.

I love my husband and kids more everyday... truly I am blessed. They are great people and I am a better person for having them in my life.

I'm leaving in about 10 minutes to go register Josiah (my baby!!) for pre-school. He is SOOOO excited! If all goes well there and he doesn't do any face plants between now and then (which is entirely poissible...) I'm going to take him to get his pictures taken at Walmart. Wish me luck!!

Peace.

2004-02-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

Jim just showed me how to put these pictures on my blog. Very cool. The 2 that I put over to the left here are from the Emergent village website... original art done by brothers and sisters there as an act of worship. Check it out! emergentvillage Click on "multimedia" and then Artist's Corner. There's some very cool stuff there.

Spent the evening with my friend Heather last ight. Had the best time I've had in a really long time. The funny thing abuot that is... we didn't "DO" anything! We went to a coffee shop and had a coffee (got kicked out because the stupid place closed at 9:00... on a Friday night!!! Whatever!!) After that we just drove around and talked. We talked about how we wished it was summer so we could go sit in a park somewhere and talk. But it wasn't summer so we just drove arond and talked. We laughed a lot. It felt good to laugh. We played charades, counted skunks and carwashes... talked about everything and nothing. It was very good. We managed to fill up almost another three hours just driving around talking.

I must admit I was also trying to convince her that Westland would be a great place to live. You see, she and Doug are looking to buy a house and they are talking about moving away... I don't know... South Lyon, Dundee.... somewhere like that, I think. And just between you and me that thought terrifies me. I haven't said anything about this to anyone but the htought of them moving that far away scares me to death. I know it's not like they would be moving to another state or anything but I also know how life goes. It's happened to me 3 times in my life already. My first "best friend"... Stephanie Overholt.... we used to say we were going to become professional dancers together (okay stop laughing.. this was many years ago!!) We had this whole routine worked out to the song, "Ooo ah, oo ah cool cool Kitty...." It was fantastic! After a couple years in our town her dad got transfered. When they moved we SWORE on our lives that we would always be best friends and we'd talk every week.... you know how those promises go... A year or so later Andrea Barnum and her family moved to town. Instant friendship. I (a little more slowly this time) became best friends with this great girl. Oh the fun we had together... roller skating in her huge basement, having make up parties, sleepovers, I "lived" at her house for several weeks when our house was having an addition put on. And then one day, the dreaded news again... her Dad had been transfered. Oh how I cried. We cried together. Another round of promises to stay best friends.... they day they left she gave me a card. inside she had written, "You made it before I came, you'll make it again." I still have that card. A few years after that I met Kathy. For those of you familiar with the "Anne of Green Gables".series she was my Dianna... my "kindred spirit". She and I were friends during High School... those awful teenage years! We dieted together, we wrote songs together (Bakery Days was my favorite!) , we were going to "get discovered" and be famous together. We dreamed together, spent nights out at the cottage listening to the waves in the dark, talking about where we would be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. In every scenario no matter what the details, we were in it together. Then it happend again. She moved to Toronto to go to College. Nothing was ever the same after that. It never is. Not sure I can got thruogh this again.
I'm so afraid about Doug and Heather moving. I don't want to discourage them. I know what it's like to dream of owning a home. Went through that last year! But a part of me wants to beg them to please not go. The very thought of it makes this panic feeling rise up in me. I can't talk to them about his because I know I'd start bawling. Can't have that.

Wow this was just going to be a short little post to say where I got the cool pictures from. Oopsy!

2004-02-24T19:43:00.000-08:00

My husband is mocking me as I type this... He's singing, "Can you feel the mountains tremble, when Syndie blogs two days in a row..." Yeah, yeah... shut up!

I bought a keychain today because I loved what it said... "Every step of the journey is the journey." How's that for fitting, huh? This journey is my home. I am feeling a little more comfortable with that idea. Today, anyway.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine... someone who used to go to our former church (before it dissolved) . He and his wife have been "church shopping" since September or so. Haven't been able to find something they liked that had all the things they were looking for. {Editors Note: Syndie is showing great restraint here in not adding the editorial comments running through her mind about this previous sentence.} Long story short, this guy called me to let me know that they found a church. I told him that I was glad because I knew it had been causing some stress in their home. He said how glad he was to be able to get back into a church so that he could get back into Kingdom work again. Oh how my heart sank straight into my socks. WHAT HAVE WE BEEN TEACHING PEOPLE FOR SO LONG THAT HAS MADE THEM THINK THAT KINGDOM WORK HAPPENS INSIDE A CHURCH??????? Oh God, forgive us! Talk about adventures in missing the point! Oi!

I'm doing some Kingdom work tomorrow... except it's happening at a bowling alley with Sami's friend from school and her mom (Jennie of Dave & Jennie... I wrote about them a few weeks ago). We had a pretty significant conversation last week. She and her kids came over to hang out on Friday morning with us. While they were here her 2 year old pulled a picture album off the shelf that was all the pics of the Farewell Worship gathering in the Goff's barn that our friends had for us after we finished up at CCC. She was looking at them and then she asked the dreaded question... "What was this at?" Up until then she knew nothing of my "past life" (hee hee, it sounds so 'exciting', doesn't it?!) I had purposely not told her about Jim being a Pastor or me being a Worship leader or about our church related vocations. That information tends to really shift the direction of conversations. People get a little weird about it.. it's hard to explain but you ex-ministry people know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, it was a really cool conversation. She asked a lot of questions, the big one of course being, "Why aren't you doing that anymore?" which gave me an opportunity to share with her what we are doing and why. She was really interested. I invited her and her family to join us some Sunday for one ofour gatherings and she said she'd like to. Cool! The part of me that was trained at a good Bible Institute, who got an A in Personal Evangelism 101, who knows all the verses in The Romans Road gets nervous at this point and starts to think how I'm going to steer the next conversation back to a Spiritual subject so I can "close the deal", so to speak. The new part of me that is just so much different than that says, "That was a really cool conversation. I'll be interested to see what God does with that." and is looking forward to hanging out with her at the bowling alley tomorrow even if "The Subject" doesn't come up at all. I'll be glad to hang out with her next week and next month and next year, even if "The Subject" doesn't' come up again. And the really miraculous part is that I think I will enjoy being her friend even if "The Subject" does come up and she just says, "no thanks, not interested". That SO rocks my Personal Evangelism101 boat!!! Go God!

Wooo, am I rambling!! Okay.. wrapping it up. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday (which will forever make me giggle because of my first experience with this Liturgical holiday. If you want to know why you'll have to ask! ) Then begins the Season of Lent. My friend Mike (from our community group) did some teaching about Lent at our meeting on Sunday and did a great job, I might add. It has made me really reflect on this season. I look forward to what God has to say to me during this time. Hope I can tune my ears to hear Him. Hope you can too.

2004-02-23T20:07:00.000-08:00

Another couple weeks of life.

Good ones, in general. Everyday is a struggle with addiction but this is life. And life is good.

A few weeks ago I posted a note about my wonderfuly amazing husband (all still true and then some!!). He has been my rock in the last year of incredibly stormy weather.

However, I must confess that were it not for another source as well, I'm quite sure my boat would have capsized by now. I am referring to my dearest and best of friends... Doug and Heather Hovey. Undoubtably they have become like family to us. They have been a source of strength and encouragement, love, support, & laughter. They have shared our many tears and heartaches... things from the last year as well as things from many, many years ago. They have encouraged me when I really wondered if I was going to make it. They have held me accountable in areas that I need them to, they have laughed with me (with and with out drinks!!) they have cried with me (well, okay... Heather has cried with me. Doug has handed me Kleenex... that counts too, right??) They have asked me hard questions and made me answer them. They have told me the truth... gently (most of the time!) I have confided in them my deepest of secrets and they have held them close to their hearts. They have earned my trust. I could go on but I won't. Suffice it to say this: I am a better person for having them in my life. I am deeply grateful to God for bringing us together as friends (even if I did have to chase you guys into the parking lot to finally get that to happen!!... so you really thought I was a wacko, huh?)
So, let it be known to one and all... my life is richer beause of my friends, my soul-friends, Doug and Heather.

And to you, Doug and Heather... I love you. Thanks for everything. Always. Forever. No matter what.

2004-02-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

Life is good. So is God

Yeah, I know that's a switch from my last posting... and the few before that too... but, really, when it all comes down, my life is good. Really really good.

I had one of those moments tonight that made me realize that again. Nothing earth shattering. Actually, pretty mundane. We had a full day of life... work, school, the girls had Brownies and Daisys, we came home, I made dinner (a pretty good one, I might add!) After dinner we all pitched in and cleaned up (even JJ... who dropped his plate all over the floor on his way to take it to the sink!!) Then, there I was sitting at the kitchen table between my two girls helping them both with their homework, Jim was there in the family room playing some "made-up" sport with J.J. using an empty 2 litre coke bottle, a mini hockey stick, a baseball glove and a ball of some description (???), Harry Conick Jr. was crooning from the CD player.... and I just sat there in the middle of the real-time-real-life-everyday-run-of-the-mill stuff and I thought... "I have a great life. I LOVE my life. Really , I do." Yeah, sure there's still crap to deal with. Who doesn't have that, right? But seriously, I have an amazing husband who loves me, I have great kids who are really stinkin' cute and are growing up into really caring, loving, sensitive, polite kids (of course there are always exceptions...) we have a fantastic house... and while it's pretty mediocre by some people's standards it's WAY more than I ever thought we'd have. And I love it! I have great extended family (on both sides) I have some great friends, I have SO much compared to so many. My life is full and I am very grateful. God is good.

I guess I've been reflecting over the past few days on how much I love my life and my family. My brother-in-law got in a car accident that could have been much worse... the driver of the vehicle 2 cars ahead of him was killed.... My sister-in-law spent the day at the hospital today undergoing tests for suspected uterine cancer... she's like... 27 or 28 I think... man. Those kind of things make ya stop and think for a minute. Yeah, so maybe I am fat and maybe my daughter's friend Christopher is right and I do have "really, really fat legs" but who cares???? I mean, in the light of eternity who the hell really cares what I look like???

We had our friends Dave and Jennie over for dinner and the evening on Tuesday (their daughter Emilie is in Sami's Kindergarten class and they have a 2 year old littel girl, Megan) It was great to hang out with them. They are big Bon Jovi fans. Like.. HUGE Bon Jovi fans! It was fun to hear about that. Dave plays accoustic guitar. They live in the house that his Grandfather built for his Grandmother after the war. the house was built in 1919.... it's just a few blocks from here. How cool is that?! It's so great to be able to have conversations with people that don't come to an abrupt halt (or at least take a dramatic shift) with the asnwer to the question, "So, what do you do for a living?" Some of you will understand what I mean by that.

Anyway... it's late, I need to go to bed. Jim is out playing hoops with the guys, It's been really good for him to do that. It's been really good for him to "change careers"... (as weird as that sounds... going from a Pastor to a Custodian??? You'll just have to trust me onthis one.) It's been good. Life is good.

Peace.

2004-02-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a secret fear... somthing that you always dreaded happening... but you never talk about it? I do. And this fear was realized for me this morning.

My daughter came in to my room while I was getting dressed. She sat on my bed for a munite and then said matter-of-factly-, "Mommy, why are you so fat?" Stunned I just stood there for a minute and tried to force myself not to cry. I said, "Well, honey... I, uh... am, I've tried to... um.. " At that point she said, "Christopher said you're fat and that you have really, really fat legs. I told him that wasn't very nice."

Binge, anyone?

2004-01-30T10:45:00.000-08:00

wahoo! Look at me... blogging twice in the same month! Amazing!

Josiah has been really sick the past few days...I really shouldn't be sitting here blogging because for the past 2 days I have done practically nothing around the house cuz I've been holding my boy... otherwise he would wake up and cry. It was like having a newborn again! So... the laundry hasn't been touched, dishes everywhere, the kids rooms are trashed... like, seriously trashed. i have 9 ladies coming over for the whole day tomorrown to work on their scrapbooks (it's part of my CM business... it cost's them $ to come. It's not me just being nice or anything ;>) ...) and i have to make a lasagna, a dessert, clean the bathrooms, dust (how do you do that again???) vaccume, blah, blah, blah. So, I really have no time to be sitting here doing this. But... here I am!

Still so much weirdness in my life. I have never felt this uh... displaced... for so long. There have been lots of transitions in my life.. moves here or there, change jobs, change churches... but I always seemed to be able to figure out where I fit and just settle in. Well, I can't find that place anymore... and it's not for lack of looking. I'm just not sure who I am or where I fit.

I'm certain that my friends are getting tired of me... i'm getting tired of me. I confided in one friend awhile ago about some really significant struggles I was having. I guess I was in a round about way, asking for help.. accountiblity.. grace.... I dont' know what. Then I got worried thinking, "what am I going to say when this person asks how things are going in this area... I'm doing worse this week than last week... how am I going to say that..." No worries.. they haven't asked.

My husbad is the best... no, not just in "name" (bet, hey that's the first time I've ever heard that joke... glad I thought of it!)
He's just so wonderful. He's so patient and kind, he's so gentle with me when I'm being a drip. He puts up with so much from me... screw up that I am so much of the time. He never seems to get tired of checking in with me.. seeing how I'm doing. And, amazingly, he doesn't get annoyed with me when the answers never change.. "I'm lost.. confused, lonely, not doing well in my "struggle" areas..." at leaset he doesnt' seem to get annoyed... if his is, he doesnt' show it. He has this amazing way of loving me unconditionally and letting me know that. If I had a nickle for everytime he says (after I've verbally vomited all over him about what a mess I am and how I screwed up royally yet again in this area or that area), he'll say, "That doesn't chage the fact that you are a wonderful person and it doesn't change my love for you." He makes me want to be a better person. Hon, if you're reading this... know that I love you and I would be utterly lost with out you.

okay... have to go. My baby boy woke up and is crying for me. I'll chat again in a week or 2!

2004-01-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

Jim has been in Cincy for the weekend at Meyhem. I couldn't go because I had to work... there was a big scrapbooking thing and I was asked to be the CM consultant for it. It actually went pretty well. I sold a lot of product and made some good connections too. I REALLY wanted to be in Cincy but I've also been really praying that God would provide for us financially too. As much as I wanted to go to Meyhem I felt like this opportunity to work was a God-thing and that I shouldn't pass it up. And like I said.... it went really well.

I'm trying not to be jealous that Jim got to go and spend a weekend with those who have quickly become some dear friends and "soul mates"... those who share our journey... who understand us and don't think we're completely nuts. OUr times therea re always SO refreshing (although I really could do with out the little 'long-loud-dancing-singing-football-guy' at Chris and Nikki's house! :>) If any of you are reading this, please know that my heart was there with you this weekend and I offered up many prayers for you all while I worked... prayers that God would meet you there in a special way... I can't wait for the next All Group gathering.

I am trying to learn to be at home on the journey. I have spent so much of my life trying to "get somewhere" so that I could start living this life that God has for me. Once I ...'get through school', get married', 'have kids', 'lose the weight', 'get into ministry', 'fill-in-the-blank', then I can start being who I'm supposed to be. God is showing me that this IS who I am. I am not complete. I am not "fixed" and I never will be until eternity. I had heard some teaching about how I was supposed to be living this "victorious Christian life" where I had my act together all the time, or at least most of the time. There was a standard set up that I was trying to live up to that, at the time, sounded like it made sense Scripturally. And, given the people I was in community with at the time, I was bombarded with the messages about how I should "press in" and "rise above" and shift" and other things implying that I should try to "become" somthing. I tried. Really I did. But I guess I never made it. Could it be that it's because I was working hard to attain a goal that God never set for me, but rather it was a goal... a standard... that a group of people had set for me (and others)? I don't know. Possibly, I guess.

Anyway... I have decided that I am going to try and embrace this journey as my home and just be okay with that. Be okay with questions and be okay when there is "neat and sanatized" answer for them. Be okay with the inconcistancy of my faith (gasp! Is a Christian allowed to do that? Don't know. Guess it depends how you define "Christian".) Be okay with the struggles that I am having and rather than curse them as enemies, embrace them for how they can help me grow.

Wow... I just re-read that. Sounds impressive. Wonder if I can do it... wonder if I'm setting up standards for myself now that God didn't set up for me... wonder if I'm completely out to lunch. Hmmm... wonder, wonder, wonder....

I wonder as I wander.... on this journey

2004-01-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am.. the Blogging loser of the year! It has officially been over a month since I posted anything. A big Thank You to all those of you who have "felt led" to remind me that I have not posted in a month. (See, Erica... I told you I was going to post soon!!) In my defense though... the month of December really kind of took on a life of it's own. Christmas parties at the kids school, Sami's debut as "Mama" (from "T'was the Night Before Christmas") in the Kindergarten School Holiday Play. She was fabulous, by the way! Brownie party, Daisy party, MOMS Club Christmas party, former CCC women's Christmas party, friends and neighbors party, a couple Creative Memories classes that I taught in there somewhere, a trip to Chatham for my neices baby dedication, a trip to CHarleston IL for Grandma's 80th B-day, Christmas with Jim's family and me doing a concert there, back home fo r2 days, Christmas day here, then that afternoon back to Chatham for Christmsa with my family, spend a couple days there... come home and try and shovel out the disastrous mess we left the house in, only for 13 more of my family to arrive on the 29th. There were 18 of us here for 2 days. Oi!! Then partying the New Year in with our best friends, Doug and Heather (and all our children too!) So, there you have it. My month of December in a nutshell.

I'm feeling down these days. My friend told me yesterday that she misses the "happy, silly Syndie". Yeah. Me too. Anybody seen her? Tell her I miss her. I have really been struggling with my eating (I can't believe I'm posting this for the world to see. Nothing like 'fessing up to your addiction on the net!) Been making some really bad choices.. have gained weight back for the first time in 2 and a half years... it really sucks. Enough said.

"When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head
and the thoughtful words of help and hope
Have all been nicely said
I'm still searching,
Wondering if I'll ever be the one I think I am
I think I am
Then You gently re-remind me that You made me from the first
And the more I try to be the best the more I get the worst
And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are
Who You are...
And all I ever have to be is what You made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
As You daily recreate me help em always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what You made me."

2003-12-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

Another day.

Life comes so fast anymore. Wow. People always told me that the older you get the faster time goes by. I guess I didn't believe them.

I have an 8 year old. How is that possible. Middle-aged women have 8 year olds. Not me. I am certainly not a middle aged woman. I was just 18 yesterday.

I read Jason Evans blog last night . My hubby recommended that I read it after some discussions he and I have had recently. I wanted to shout "amen" after reading it. I'm totally right there in the waiting thing. And in the "strained relationship with the Father" part too! It's not like I'm a basket case exploding with anger every time I turn around... it's just , there are so many things lately that are just bugging me. Like... why haven't we heard back from U of M about this job for Jim? A simple "yes" or "no" would be fine. After all they did say they'd let him know one way or the other "by the end of next week"... which was almost 4 stinkin' weeks ago. What's up with that?

A piece of my tooth fell off almost 2 weeks ago and it's been killing me ever since. I have been popping pain pills like candy. Probably not the best idea but we don't have any dental insurance so I've been trying to suck it up and deal with the pain. I'm at the end of my pain tolerence. We had set aside a little bit of money in our savings account to get our car fixed but that's not going to happen. I'm going to use it to do something about this tooth. Probably just get it pulled out. That's the cheapest. Ya know, when I was a kid my dad used to pull my teeth out with pliers (when they were loose, obviously.... the Kivell household did have some strage forms of entertainment but just yanking kids teeth out with pliers for the heck of it ususally wans't part of that...) I have pictures of him doing it. Hey Dad, how much would you charge me to come and yank out this stupid tooth??

I went to a Christmas party last night. One of the ladies from our old church (CCC.. the one that fell apart!) decided she wanted to get all the gals together for one last "hurrah" before everyone dispursed. So, about 40 of us packed into her house for a party last night. We laughed so hard! thereare some wacky girls in that bunch!! It was good. We ate, we played the gift game, we did some ridiculous skits, we sang a few Christmas carols... somebody decided we should have a sharing time ... to hear how everyone is doing with the transition. That part really sucked. Almost everybody ended up crying...talking about how painful this has been for them... talking about he stress and strain that it has put on their marriage and their families. One gal who was divorced about 10 years ago said that this whole church mess feels the same as going through a divorce. How nice. People were really trying to be positive.. they kept talking about all the good times and the good memories etc. etc. and that's all true. I didn't cry. I just got mad again. Mad at the whole situation.

And then hearing everybody talking about their church shopping... it was ... I can't find the word. Nauseating. Yep.. that's the word. I think every person somehow worked the word "comfortable" into their story. "We went here and didn't really feel comfortable... we went there and felt REALLY comfortable" We liked this and this and this... and we really didn;t like this and that and such and so... We are looking for a church that has this, that and the other thing... Durign the course of the evening few people asked me... "So, Syndie, how is your... uh.. well, I'm not really sure what it is you're doing or what you call it..." (That's when I usually say... "Cult. Yes, we've started a cult. And it's going very well. Thanks. It's getting more and more difficult to do those live animal sacrifices... such a mess and all, but hey... we're really feeling COMFORTABLE with it, and isn't that what it's all about"?!) {Sarcastic... party of one.. your table is now available...}

Then they proceed to ask where we are meeting (aka... do you have a building yet???), how is the attendance (aka.. What??? you STILL only have 6 people??? Oh. That must be a bit discouraging...") Are you doing anything for Christmas (aka what kind of programs are you offering to attract people to your "thing"?) Whatver. I really don't know how to respond to these questions anymore. The nasty part of me wants to say... "Yes, according to your standards and most of the rest of hte world's... what we are doing is a waste of time.. a complete 'failure' and an embarassment as a "church plant". It doesn't make a lot of sense... no it certainly isn't supporting us financially and it is unbelievabley humbling." But I don't say that. I usually mumble something about it going well, slow and simple... very different from traditional church planting.... as soon as I use a term like "missional community", "organic", ordinary... people get the glazed over look. So, I usually just stop for both of our sakes and one of us nervously changes the subject.

Hmm. after David gripes and complains in the Psalms, doesn;t he usually wrap it up on a positive, up-beat note?? cant' get there tonight. Sorry.

2003-12-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

Good grief... it's been almost a month since I wrote anything in here. I suck.

So much has happened. Thanksgiving has come and gone.. had a house full of family and friends here throughout the holiday. It was lots of fun. Lots of work too.

I redid my kitchen. No longer have the nasty "weed" wallpaper. Instead it has been re-papered with sunflowers and butterflies. It's fabulous!

Hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner! Man, time sure flies... we'll be having a "simple" christmas this year. There isn't "fundage" to do much else. That's okay, though. We have so much more stuff than most of the world. Who needs more stuff anyway? Not this family! I wish I could find a way to express love to others that they would consider valid without it having to come with STUFF! ya know?

I have decided that I need to embrace the inconsistancy of my life. I think that this will make life so much easier for me. I have tried so hard for so long to achieve some level of consistancy... in Bible reading, in exercise, in eating, in house cleaning, in laundry, in communication with friends, in blogging... in so many areas... Maybe God is not looking as much for consistancy as He is for authenticity. Maybe? I don't know. I guess I want Him to be in the reality of my life... not just in the managable, "successful" areas that I have somehow brought under control (whatever that means). I need Him in the messy areas where I continue to fail, where I continue to question, where I continue to try and get it right...

I have found that there is one thing that I am very consistant in... being inconsistant!

2003-11-11T05:43:00.000-08:00

We watched "I Am Sam" last night. Whew. Nobody warned me about it. What a heart-wrenching movie. Earlier in the evening I had wearily tucked my kids into bed... ready, more than ready for a break from them. I shot down their requests for "just one more song" and "I just have one more thing to ask you..." This movie sure put into perspective what's important. I just wanted to run upstairs and hug my kids so tightly. After the movie was over I did go upstairs and kiss each of them. As I stood staring at their sleeping faces I had one of those moments that I haven' t in a while. It was that thing where there is that ache inside you... I was so overwhelmingly thankful for the treasure of each of my children and at teh same time, feeling overwhelmingly incapable of being the kind of parent that they need. I want so much for them. I want them to have a fun-filled, exciting, care-free childhood. I want them to enjoy the simple things in life. I want them to love and be loved ~ to trust and be trustworthy. I want them to laugh. A lot. And I want them to know Jesus.... not just about hiim... not just have the ability to recite some memory verses on command...not to get caught up in "religious performance" I want them to know HIM, to hear His voice, to know His heart, to see others as He sees them. Yeah... I guess I want for them the same things I want for myself. Oh how I pray that I can help them journey this road well. Not perfectly, but honestly. To live in reality, not in some protected Christian sub-culture. I want, oh Jesus, I want You!

This Creative Memories will eventually pay off.. I think... but right now it's a lot of work. Hopefully once I get into a rhythm it will get easier. It's pretty much all consuming right now.

My friend was telling me how her life is SO MUCH BETTER now that she is off caffine (which by the way, I just don't understand why anyone would want to put themselves through that kind of cruel and unusual punishment... whatever!) She was saying that she's not irritible and moody anymore, she doesn't have that draggy, listless feeling like she wants to sleep every afternoon, that feeling of being drained is gone. I thought to myself... "Huh... I've had the same changes in me too. Only I didnt't give up caffine. I quit doing church.

2003-11-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

Holy cow... I can't believe how fast the time is flying by!! Already into the 2nd week in November. Yikes! Oh man... I just sat down at the computer to blog for a few minutes... thought I had the kids ocupied for a minute... J.J. just came in carrying a jar of apple sauce (a BIG one!) and a half gallon of ice cream. I must go. Maybe I can try this again later.

2003-10-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again... the "blogging-loser-of-the-year" as my sister calls me. It's not that I don't want to keep up with this better... it's just.... life gets in the way, ya know?

We went to the All Group gathering at Vinyard Central last weekend.. another amazing time with some fantastic people. I was about to say "extrordinary" people (and in my mind they are!) but what makes them "extrordinary" is the fact that they are so "ordinary". Real people living real life in real time with real questions and a real relationship with Jesus. These people really truly believe that Jesus is who He said He was and that we can live like He wanted us to right now. That is SO attractive to me!! Chris & Nicki... you guys are super. Thaks again for such genuine hospitality. Kevin and Tracy... same goes for you. Bill and Molly... I love you guys!

This group of people over the weekend... what an amazing time. I'm sure they all think that I am a total sap. When we were there in July I cried the whole weekend. When we were there this past weekend I cried a lot too. It is strange to me... I'm not really that emotional. Something about the kindred spirit int he room just undid me. Seriously. At one point I had to go out and sit in our van becasue I was crying so hard it was like sobbing... you know that gulping, snorting kind of real hard crying... It was like the cork popped off and it all came spilling out. God wsa so very present with us and was speaking so gently yet so profoundly. The passage Chris shared from ezekiel... dry bones will dance... we are not alone in this. Kendra sharing a dream from the Lord.. God was going to grant us new sacraments... outward signs of the inward work He is doing... Kevin speaking that over me... that my tears (and there were many!) were one of the new sacraments that God was giving us... an outward manifestation of changes he is making in me. What a beautiful thing. Oh, these wonderful people with a heart for the reality of Jesus and the life he promised. To hear over and over during that day or sharing and prayer that people had tried "churc"h tried "full-time ministry" tried "programs... buildings, seminars, conferences..." tried so much and kept coming up short... kept saying "there has to be more to it than this". Oh how my heart ressonnated with them. At times I wanted to jump up and shout.."Oh yeah! Do I ever know what you mean by THAT!!" It was also amazing to hear how many of us got connected to this group via the WWW. Amazing.

Yeah... I know I'm rambling and jumping all over. Hey, it's my blog. Don't like it? Too bad.

'Embrace the paradox'. 'Live in the mystery.'.. these are phrases I keep chanting to myself. 'Refuse to settle for what always was' 'flee the temptation to reduce it all down to something managable... somthing that can be put on a bumper sticker...'

So much more I want to write but I have to go pick up the kiddos from school.

2003-10-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

My wonderful husband fixed my blog so that I don't have to click through 15 stupid "runtime error on line such-and-such... Do you want to debug" messages in order to get to it. He is so amazing! And so smart. He knows so much about so many things. He's had people calling him for help in setting up blogs and web sites, calling to ask him information about this or that becasue they know that he'll know the answer. He's so smart!! Why can't some employer see that and see what a valuable asset he woudl be to any company?! The guy is such a fast learner that anything he didn't know how to do he would and could learn to do in a matter of days. Maybe even hours. (Did you know that Jim actually reads the manuals before he sets something up? Like the computer... he read the books and then put it all togehter and knew how everything worked!! That's so amazing to me! What's even more amazing is that he understands those manuals and makes everything work right! Not me, man. I just pull somehting out of the box and start pressing buttons. I only refer to the instructions when I've gotten it completely screwed up and am unable to do anything. I guess that explains a lot... I sure wish he could find a job where they would pay him what he's worth... and it's a hell of a lot more than 10 bucks an hour, that's for sure!

I'm discovering that community is messy. I don't like that part of it. I like it when everything is hunky-dory and eveybody gets along and likes everyone else and no one's feelings get hurt... ah... sweet Utopia. Will I ever find you?

I just signed on to be a Creative Memories consultant (scrapbooking) I am officially a "salesperson". Ugh. Has it really come to this? We are in desperate need of some income. Although I have advertised for 3 months in every way I know how to for teaching piano, I still only have 2 students. That's 20 dollars a week. That's not enough. I filled out a job ap for a local grocery store. I was on my way to drop it off when I got thinking... this means back to working evening asn weekends and holidays... so much for being able to practice hospitality and heve people over for meals... it would be so hard o have Jim working all day only to come home and have me leave for work... I just couldn't do it. A friend of mine has been a Creative Memories Consultant for quite soem time and has been bugging ... I mean.. encouraging me to try it for some time now. She makes good money at it... enough to pay her mortgage and car payment every month! I figured... what have I got to lose, right? It will certainly give me more flexibillity as far as a schedule. And I won't have to work all the major holidays! I'm gonna give it a chot. We'll see what happens.

2003-09-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Fall is here. I am so glad. Days of hot, humid, sticky, smelly, summer are over now and I welcome the cool breeze that seems to have blown in. With it comes a crispness in the air. Before too long I'll hear the crunch of leaves under my feet as I walk the kids to school. The smell of leaves... the smell of Fall. Ahhhhh. Can you smell it?? The breeze... can you feel it?

Fall.

Breezy days, cool evenings, cold nights. Big heavy sweaters, jeans, socks and shoes... apple orchards, hay rides, warm donuts and spiced apple cider. Fall is here.

I am so glad.

2003-09-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

Well here I am... forsaking some of my "daily chores" so that I can write here for a bit. At this stage in life I find that I really don't have "free time". I have to make a conscious choice to do somthing and when I do it, that means that something else doesn't get done. For example, I am choosing to sit here and blog for a few minutes instread of heeding the call of the 4 loads of washed and dried laundry that have sprawled themselves across my bed. I'll sit here and type until Josiah wakes up from his ever-shortening nap and then he'll want juice and I'll need to change him and get ready to go pick up his sisters from school. We'll go get the girls and the 5 other littel 7-8 year olds that Emily has invited to her birthday party today from 3:30 to 6pm... we'll come home and, since the weather is crappy, I'll have to entertain them all INDOORS. Oh, am I excited about THAT! Then I'll order the pizza, send Jim to go get it, feed the kids, clean up the mess, open presents, have cupcakes (which, by the way are sitting on the counter downstairs cooling so I need to frost and decorate them sometime before this happens) get the girls off with their treat bags, only to turn around and have to get the sitter who is coming to stay with our kids tonight so we can go to Small Group at 7:00pm. Then we'll go to group... people will be late (like us) we'll hang out much later than we should, we'll come home dead-tired anticipating how good it is going to feel to crawl into our nice, wonderful, queen-size bed as we stumble into the room and flip on the light, only to be assulted with the reality that Syndie chose to do a blog entry today rather than fold the laundry... as it will al be still piled on our bed. Oi!

Another emotional weekend for me as I tried to sort out the mess that I worte about last time. I neglected to mention one detail that has made this even more interesting... the friend that I had the "encouter" with is, not olny a member of our former church, and not only a member of the Small Group that we are currently attending, she also lives directly across the street form us! How's THAT for community?! For thi, and many other reasons, I knew that we had to somehow bring resolution to the situation.

I don't think very well "on the spot". I need time to process things and think about them. So after these conversations that I had had with my friend, I have had some time to think about them. Of course, I am now thinking of all these "great comebacks" that I could have used, and other thingks that I "could have, should have, wish I would have" used. There is a big part of me that wants to re-open the conversation and go down the list and say to her... "Okay, you said this... well, blah-di-blah-blah-blah! ANd when you said THAT, yeah, well, na-na-na -na-na !" and so forth, on down the list. ( Anyboday else ever feel like this?) I want o vindicate myself. I wan to refute her arguments. I want o defend myself and our missional community and what we are doing. I want to put her in her plaec and tell her how inappropriate the things that she said were....

I was having all these feelings on Sunday morning and imagining myself going over to her house and just telling her what I thought. There was a big part of me... a really big part of me that wanted to say, "ya know what? Screw this. To hell with you and this so-called "friendship". This is SO not worth it." And then I deceide to talk it over with the Father. He's so good about stuff like this. After spending some time with hime (once I finished running my mouth and just listened!) He pointed out some pretty key things that I had missed. Probably the biggest one was that if I did what I wanted to do (i.e. chucking the relationship) I would completely be playing into the hands of the enemy. He (the enemy) would want me to believe that I couldn't maintain a relationship with a friend that I had already invested 3 years in, so how much more could I not develop or maintain relationships with pre-christians or anyone else, for that matter. Obviously, this is fundamental to the philosophy behind living life in community and developing missional communities for the sake of the Kingdom. Relationships are the thing!! If the enemy could destroy an existing relationship that I thought was relatively strong, then he could make me believe that I couldn't do this "relationship" thing at all. That would be bad.

So, I asked the Father what to do (even though I already had a sneaking suspicion of what He was going to say...) He asked me to put aside everything that I wanted to do, I had to lay down my "right to be right" and my "right to defend myself" and all that stuff. I went to her house and I asked for forgiveness for whatever it was that I did to make her feel the way she did. I told her that I was trying to work on some of the things that she had "pointed out" to me... things like pride and stubborness.

Oh, God, it was hard!! It was so damn hard!!! Even while I was sitting there apologizing I kept having to fight the urge to add... "I'm sorry for this or that ...BUT, you misinterpreted this and that, and you didn't listen to what I was saying and... ho-lee-cow, you wanna talk about pride and arrogance??? Grab a mirror, chick!" Thank GOd he held my tongue. I managed to apologize, ask for forgiveness and, I think, pretty much save the relationship... all of this ONLY by the grace of my wonderful Father. I'm sure things will be a bit weird for a while, in my head if not in reality. But I'm asking that God will fix all that too.

A-ha.... guess who's up??? And guess what he wants??? And guess when he wants it??? (oh, about 10 minutes ago!!)

Life calls... I must answer.

2003-09-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Another absurdly long time lapse between blog entries. My sister informed me that I don't do well at keeping up on this blogspot. Well, her exact words were, "You suck at blogging." Ah... the grace and love shared between sisters... it's a beautiful thing, isn't it? Thanks, dear Seester, of mine. I'm trying to do better. Ya wanna keep JJ for a week for me? That'll free up some time for me to stay caught up on this blog!!! :>)

I may regreat spilling my guts here but... oh well. Here goes.

Yesterday I had one of the most difficult conversations of my life. It was with someone whom I considered one of my best friends... She had made a few comments to me a few days ago that hurt me more than anything I have ever experienced. Yeah, that's a strong statement, I know. But if you knew what she said and what the circumstances were, you'd understand the truth of it. For 24 hours I cried and stewed and prayed and tried to figure out what to do about it. I finally decided to talk to her. I asked if we could meet. She came over last night.

I tried to make her understand how deeply she had hurt me. She told me I way over-reacted, blew it way out of proportion, and that I was being "Miss Emotional" and "Junior High-ish" about it. ouch.

She went on to say that I was (I'm paraphrasing here... it wasn't quite this short) arrogant and prideful, pushy, opinionated, that I don't ever listen and that I twist things that she says, that everything that we've talked about as far as the Missional community that we are starting has an underlying agenda becasue we feel that we are spiritually superior to others, she said that we/I have been "hounding" and "pushing" her husband to be involved {just a side note here... her husband come over to our place last Saturday and at HIS initiation talked with Jim for an hour and a half about missional communities etc. and then this past Tuesday he sat and talked with us for almost another hour, not to mention countless email exchanges where he and Jim have been dialoging about it... hmmm.}

She said she wants us to ~ well, here's a quote "Just leave us alone. We don't want to be a part of your church. We don't want to have anything to do with your church. We want to go to a REAL church." As I sat there with my mouth hanging open and tears streaming down my face she "clarified" for me (like I needed any clarification...) "No, I don't think what you're doing is a real church."

Isn't it great to have "best friends"?

Again... I am numb.

2003-09-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

How long, oh Lord, will You hide Your face from me?

How long will you be silent?

Every day I have come to You, I have pleaded with You, I have begged You... and yet You seem to remain silent.

I have asked for direction... I still feel lost

I have asked for faith... I still feel insecure

I have asked for strength... I still feel weak

I have asked for wisdom... I still "don't know"

I have asked for peace... I still feel anxious

I guess it's a good thing that my relationship with You is not based on "feelings"

"Lord of all creation...of water earth and sky. The heavens are Your taberbnacle. Glory to the Lord on High
God of wonders beyond our galaxy. You are holy... holy
The universe declares your majesty. You are holy, holy
Lord of heaven and earth..."
~ Third Day ~

Here we are into the 2nd week in September and still not jobs. I'm really not sure how to feel anymore. I really thought that God had asked us to step away from traditional church ministry... to re-arrange our lives to be intentionally connecting with pre-Christian people and cultivation deep community with them and our fellow pilgrims. I felt so strongly that He had asked us to give up our church paychecks and become bi-vocational... to become part of the real world rather than the "christian sub-culture". At the beginning of this I was so full of faith. I was so sure God was goning to privde some great job... not one that paid a lot of money but one that paid enough to pay our bills. But a "great job" in the sense that it would allow Jim to connect with other people in a meaningful way. We're not going to be able to do anything in a meaningful way if we are having to work 3 or 4 part time jobs just to survive! This is just not how I had it pictured! At first I thought this was a faith-filled adventure. Now it feels like it was just a stupid move. Jim has a Bachelor's degree in Bible in theology... he has a Master's degree in Theology... he has a butt-load of experience (complelety unquantifiable as far as a resume, though) in "leadership training" "team management" "teaching" "conflict resolution" "long-range planning" "customer service" you -name-it!

I must go for now. Being on the computer ties up the phone lines. I wouldn't want to miss "the call" from the "perfect job" for Jim.
Whatever...

2003-08-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Wow...way too long since I've written here. Crazy busy!! School started this week. Emily started 3rd grade. Is that even possible? Holy cow!! And my Sami started Kindergarten! She was SOOOO excited!! And she did really great on her first day until the teacher said that the parents had to leave. Her big brown eyes filled up with tears and her lip started to quiver. She tried so hard to be brave. I got down on my knees beside her desk and told her I'd be back and that she was going to have so much fun... you know, all that good "mom-pep-talk" stuff. I held it together only until I got outside the building. I said to Jim as we walked hom with J.J., "I really can't handle much more of this intense emotional stuff". Last weekend I felt the whole range of emotions... the good, the bad and the ugly. It was our last Sunday at CCC, which eveidently meant nothing to the leadership at our church seeings we didn't get so much as a parting prayer... I keep trying to say, "who cares" but the fact of the matter is I CARE! It hurt! That evening my Worship Team had a party for me and we had a great time. THey are a fantastic bunch of people and I love them dearly! We had a great time, we laughed a lot, and I kicked butt at bocci ball! It was fun. I'm really going to miss that group! They gave me a card that they had all signed along with a pile of gift cards. So thoughtful!!

So, we are officially done at the church. We have received our last paycheck. And, we still have no jobs lined up. Jim has a part time temporary (1 month) janitorial job starting on Tuesday ... 2-6pm crummy hours for me, but hey, it's a little money, right? Other than that...nothing. He got yet another rejection letter in the mail today..."Thank you for your interest in such-and-such, however the position has already been filled." Oh God, are you aware of all this? I know your word says you are but it sure doesn't seem like it. Then I wonder if mayby I'm the one who is supposed to be working full time. I have a few more marketable skills than Jim (clerical and such) Maybe I'm supposed to go work and Jim stay home with the kids. That certainly wouldn't be my first choice but if that's what has to happen. I just don't know! Arrrhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been sleeping worth a hoot lately. I finalyy got up at 5:00am this morning. I tried to read some Scripture... over andover the Word says that He will take care of those who trust Him... the righteous will not be put to shame... His love and mercy never ends... I beleive that but my mortgage lender doesn't accept payment in "love and mercy" currency! I think these thoughts and really seriously wonder what God is up to and then I feel guilty..."Shame on me... where is my faith? God has been faithful in the past why can't you trust Him now." ANd then the accusations start..."you are such a faker... if you are doing so well in your walk with God like you let on you are, then why all the doubts? why the fear? why the anxiety? You're no different than any other "lost soul" ~ you just like to let on that you are. Sure, you can stand up and lead worship and sing about making the choice to trust God but you really don't beleive it. If you did this wouldn't be such a big deal for you. You're pathetic. Oh.. I really am, aren't I Oi!

Anybody remember that old Amy Grant song, "Open Arms"... verse 2....
"Only yesterday the thought came to me,
"Is Your love as deep as they say?"
Wonder where those questions come from.
AS soon as I learn, I'll chase them away..."

Yeah... I know the feeling.

2003-08-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

We had a wild weekend. It started Thurday when the power/water went out. How weird was that?! We hung out with some friends for a while who had a generator... that was fun. We went home and went to bed in the sweltering heat by candlelight. The next morning we tried to pack up the best we could to head to Chicago for Jim's Grandma's 100th birthday party. A hundred years... amazing. The drive there was awful. Everyone in the metro area decided to "go west" to try and find power and water. A stretch that should have taken an hour took us 2 hours and fifteen minutes. That put us behind schedule and landed us in the chicago traffic at rush hour on a Friday afternoon... enough said about that! We finally got there. Had a good time with Jim's folks...wish we got to see them more often. The kids miss them Dad treated us to a meal at Rain Forest Cafe.. a neat experience for the kids (and us too!)

The party was good but tireing seeings as my kids were really the only little ones there (besides my neices...almost 2 and 2 weeks old). The place wasn't really kid-friendly so it wasn't like I could sit and talk to anyone. I was always chasing the kids... That's okay though. I honestly didn't feel like talking with anyone. Isn't that awful? Well, it's the truth. I'm tired of trying to explain what we are doing... "yes we are leaving two secure staff positions at a traditional church"... "no Jim hasn't found another job yet"... "yes I do understand that we have responsibilities"... "yes I realize that we are in our 30's and have 3 children and shouldn't risk their security (?) by chasing after some dream of ours"... "no I'm not sure how we're going to pay the bills yet".... "yes I realize that what we're doing is "a bit 'out there'" by traditional standards"... "yes my husband got a tatoo, I'm getting one too (just waiting for fundage!)"... "no we havn't "abandoned the faith"... "yes I am fully aware of what it says in Leviticus about marking your body"...

This Sunday is my last one at CCC. It is so hard to be leaving whent he church is in such a mess. Yesterday there were 85 people there... including all the kids and babies in the nursery. When we started 3 and a half years ago it was 250+ every week...2 services...

I am concerned about the people who are leaving. It would be easier for me to leave and do whatever it is that I am going to be doing if I know that the friends I was leaving were okay. This stuff at church has rocked people to the core. Last week's small group meeting was like a group therapy session with people admitting their anger and fear and frustration. People inferring that they are angry at God... haven't prayed in weeks... don't want to read my Bible don't want to go to church at CCC or anywhere. I wish so much that they could see what we are doing as "valid"... see it as "enough". But they don't.

Time is ticking away... still no word on a job for Jim. We have 1 paycheck left. God...did you hear that? One paycheck!!! Does that concern You as much as it does me? Father please...

2003-08-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

Another day... in the last 24 hours another 4 people/families have contacted me to let me know they are leaving our church (CCC) I am numb. I don't know what to say or how to feel anymore.
Yesterday was so hard. I had to work at the church office... ugh. It was a hot overcast day but then a storm rolled in. I wrote the following in my journal last night.

I played in the rain today
The rain is pouring down. I watch it out the front window.
I need to see it.
I need to be near it
I need to smell it
I go to the front porch and sit. I lean my head back and rest it on the wicker chair and let my eyes close. Just before I see darkness ... a HUGE flash of lightening. Almost immediately a thunder crash that would rival the cadence of any drum line. It was MAGNIFICENT! I could feel the deep rumbling in my chest long after the sound had disapated.
As I sat there breathing in the matchless smell of the rain I could hear it call to me... softly at first... then louder...louder... and again, more insistant.
It propositioned me and I accepted. I slid out of my sandals and walked to the edge of the porch, my heat quickening at the thought of what was to come.
As I move to step off the porch I was assulted by Reason and Commonsense...
"You're wearing a flimsy white poet shirt. You can't get wet... it'll be totally see-through"
"Your 3 kids are alone in the house. You know that's always a recipie for disaster. Be a responsible mother and go inside and take care of them."
"You are a 32 year old grown women, not a 6 year old little kid."
"You have people coming over for dinner in an hour and you have nothing ready! Go inside and get to work!"
"Your neighbors may be watching..."

On and on Commonsense and Reason chattered offering a myriad of resons why I shouldn't step off of the porch.
My hesitation was silght and fleeting.
As the small, wet drops began to touch my skin it unlocked a flood of tears that surprised me. This time I welcomed them. The beauty of crying in the rain is that nobody can tell. No explanations are necessary.
I walked and splashed... the rain was collecting in a low spot in the driveway so I walked back and forth, sloshing the warm water over my feet. I closed my eyes and threw back my head and let the rain hit my face. It was glorious. I turned in circles and stood still and then walked back and forth in the water. Warm summer rain; cleansing rain; sweet rain.
Then something happened.
The wind picked up and it started to rain much harder.
The rain turned cold.
The icy droplets hit my skin with a ferociousness that stung.
It startled me.
I stood there for a moment wide-eyed... shocked at the speed and intensity of the change
Profound sadness swept over me. How could this happen?
How could something that had brought me such peace and joy and comfort only a moment ago turn so wrong so fast?
Isn't this the question of life?

I walked, not quite so slowly, back to the porch and stood there looking at the sky. A deep sense of loss lodged itself in my heart.
If only this were just about the rain. That would be easy becasue "the sun will come out tomorrow".

I played in the rain today.

2003-08-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

Wow... here I am. It's been an absurdly long time since I blogged anything. I have been busy and tired. I'm feeling rather lost these days. Not sure where I'm going, not sure where I've been... sounds like it would be a good song, doesn't it?! :>) Oh I don't know. That phrase has become my mantra these days... "I don't know. I don't Know. I really don't know. Frankly, I have no idea." I feel like I don't know my head from a hole in the ground.
Still no job for Jim yet. And it sure isn't for lack of trying. The guy has handed out resumes like crazy. We are definately down to the wire now. We are done here in 2 weeks. Oh God...

I wonder waht depression feels like. I'm too afraid to ask anyone outloud. I am so tired. It's all I can do to get out of bed. Sometimes during the day I have to fight to keep myself from crawling back in. Last week my kids were occupied (one at a friends house the other two napping) and I just couldn't get it together (see Bill, I still don't have a grip!!) I went upstairs and crawled into bed in the middle of the day. It was crazy!! I'm never like that ! I always have things to do. Jim asked me today... "What is there in life that brings you joy these days?" the only thing I could come up with was "sleeping". pretty sad, huh?!
I have fallen in love with a CD called "Isle of Tides" by a group called Eden's Bridge (they're Irish) Here is my new favorite song...

"Who can ride this indego stairway
Who can tame these patterns of blue
And where are feet to ride the white horses... with You... with You

For here are fears that drown in the seaways
Here are fears like lead in my shoes
And who can lift my eyes from the riptide... but You... but You...

Holder of the rudder and the anchor my heart
(Keep me sailing)
Stay the wind and hold my course
Be near me in the dark
(Keep me sailing)

I breathe my dreams out over the water
There comes a time to see the things through
And then we find the reason to travel... to You ... to You

So join Your hands with mine while we travel
My journeys end is caught up in You
And rest feels near though the journey's not over...with You ... with You

Holder of the rudder and the anchor my heart
(Keep me sailing)
Stay the wind and hold my course
Be near me in the dark
(Keep me sailing)"

It's an amazing song.
Oh God, holder of the rudder... anchor of my heart. please don't let me shipwreck.

2003-07-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

Another weekend come and gone. Went to Akron to visit my college roommate and her husband and family. It was good to catch up but weird to see how much we have both changed. I was deeply touched by the several responses i got to my last blog entry. You people are fantastic! I'm doing okay at the moment. Had a job interview this morning for a PT music teacing position. It would be just mornings M-Th. It would mean J.J. in some sort of sitter-arrangement for the mornings . Hopefully Sami will get AM kindergarten. I'm supposed to hear back from them by Wednesday to see if I got it. Starts at $11.00/hour... not great, but better than Meijers!

Even though we are still "on staff" with the other church until the end of August we will be starting our simple church meetings this month. I talked to our frineds Mike and Becky, who, at the moment are pre-Christian people, about coming and they are really interested. I'm excited about that. I'm not sure where I heard these quotes but someone talked about people needing a place to belong before they believe (actually I think that's from the book "The Celtic Way of Evangelism" by George Hunter) and the other quote was someone talking about "discipling people into salvation." I like that idea.

Things are still rough at CCC... 2 more families have told me for sure that they are leaving. Ugh, why does it have to be this way? I am really needing God to protect my heart from the anger and bitterness that is threatening to take root there.

Still no possibilites for a job for Jim. That's frustrating. He's pretty calm about it. He says, "We' ve still got four and a half weeks left to find somtheing". I say, "We've only got four and a half weeks left to find something!" Please God...

Must go for now. Children calling for me.

2003-07-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's 11:40pm and I'm beat. Jim has been gone since 8:30 this morning. I hate days when he is gone all day and night. It's hard on the kids. It's hard on me. I guess it would be easier to take if I knew he were somewhere enjoying himself...hanging out with some "Missionally Minded" folks instead of where he is now. He's at an Elder Board meeting. It started at 5:30pm. Over 6 hours in a board meeting. Geez that's gotta be close to hell. Purgatory anyway.

We did have a nice picnic lunch with him at Hines park today. I decided to save a little money (since we're going to be eating out tomorrow) and pack our little picnic lunch. What an ordeal THAT turned into. "I want this, I don't want that, I lost my straw, She squashed my sandwich, I want this picnic basket, no I want to carry it... hey let's each take a lunch box. Yea, great! No fair, she got a new one, I hate this one I want a new one. I like the Lion King one better... well, honey, Daddy might not like it if J.J shows up carrying the Barbie one... We did end up getting there finally and everyone had something to eat. It was nice to be able to spend a few minutes with Jim during the day. Those days may be quickly coming to an end.

Even as I typed the last sentance a flood of emotions has swept over me and here I sit in a pool of tears... again. I put together a resume and application/bid form (this is all new lingo for me!) for this job at U of M. It terrifies me to think that I might have to get a full time job. I can't typr anymore wiite now. I can't see.

2003-07-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

Wow! 2 Blog entries in one day! It's been a long day today. I am tired. Emotionally, physically, and otherwise. A friend of mine who works ar U of M told me about a job opportunity today. It's full time, great benefits (that would start immediately!) and from the job description it seems do-able (office admin type stuff). The pay isn't great though, only 22K-24K. Sure can't support a family of 5 on that! I'm not sure about me working full time either. I haven't worked full time (outside the home anyway... the term "working mother" is rather redundant! Every mother is a working mother!) since before I had kids. I definitely can't or won't do it if it means having the kids in daycare all day long. Oh I just don't know! I'm feeling a little lost at the moment. Find me, Father, and lead me plainly. Sometimes I can sense You guiding me in the subtle nuances of life but sometimes I need Your directions to be really blunt and obvious. This is one of those times.

2003-07-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to write here for the past 2 days but everytime I think I've found a minute to sit at the computer somthing happens... some kid crisis usually. It would likely be better if the computer wasn't so cotton-pickin' slow! It take for ever to boot up this dinosaur!

I am weary of the discussion of our church. (the one we're leaving not the one we're starting.)

Yesterdayat work I had a Programming meeting with my programming team as we put together yet another "Sunday Service". I sat there as they were all talking about the different elements of the service... "okay we'll do 3 worship songs at about 3 minutes per song so that's 9 minutes, then we'll have the skit...7-9 minutes, we'll do a prayer time but we'll need to keep it in the 5-7 minute range because we want Eric (Pastor) to do the 2 interviews before his message. That should be about 20-25 minutes. We'll put the announcemnet section at the top of the hour and I need to make a plug for the special offereing we are taking to buy playground equipment for the church yard... blah blah blah blah blah blah..... I have resigned. My job there is done in 6 weeks. Right now that feels like an eternity. It's weird to me to think that at one time in my life I dreamed of having this job. Now it's all I can do to do it. How I ache for simplicity.

I just came back from the moms playgroup across the street. All women from the church. It was one long bitch session about how they can't stand what's going on at our church. The thing that bugs me is that they all were at a meeting last night with K&E but did any of them speak up and say anything? Noooooooo. they all just want to whine an complain about how this church is changing and becomming charasmatic or Pentecostal or whatever, and how the nursery isn't run very well there and the childrens's programs are lack-luster and they don't have this or that. Here's an excerpt of the conversations...

"Well, we're leaving and going to Such and Such church now becasue they have a GREAT children's program and they even have a seperate youth band for the Youth Sunday School class!" "Well, I think we're going to try Church so-and-so becasue they have a Christian vollyball team, baseball team and a Christian bowling league!" "No, do they really?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe all the stuff they have there. You should check it out." "Well, I visited Blah Blah Church a couple weeks ago and from start to finish it was 1 hour and 5 minutes long! We were home before noon!" "YOU'RE KIDDING! Oh, I know where I'm going next week!"

I think that was my last playgroup meeting.

I'm still a little worried about this whole job thing. I REALLY don't want to have to put the kids at a sitter but it's looking more and more like that's the only option. I have an interview on Monday for a job (PT) as a music teacher with a company that goes around to daycare facilities like Childtime, Kindercare, RedBell, etc and teaches half hour music classes. It would be M-Th mornings and 1 Friday a month (all day) Starting pay is $11.00/hour. Not great but better than Meijers!

Oh I could sit here all day and pour my heart but the kids are napping so I really need to get some work done around here. This pile of laundry is threatining to swallow me here shortly!

Oh, and Bill... don't worry. I still haven't got a grip. Not even close!

2003-07-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am "blogging". A "blogger-virgin" no more! HA! I really don't know if I'll be able to keep up with this since I so rarely get a few minutes to myself. Even as I have sat here for the past 15 minutes creating this blog account I can hear my kids destroying the downstairs. Oh well... what can be done?!

I guess it's good for me to have a place to "unload". My poor husband has had more than his share of hearing me gripe about everything.

So, I went to this..uh... Church Planters Conference (I use the term VERY loosley!) this past weekend at Vinyard Central in Cincy. It was...well... I must say that it is the first "church related conference" that I have ever been to that included a keg of beer, cigars and tatoo envy! IT was AMAZING! Real. Authentic. Genuine. Honest. Incredibly refreshing. At one point during the weekend I kinda fell apart emotionally (which really isn't like me) and an amazing thing happened. People sat with me and let me cry. Then they allowed me to share my "stuff" and they didn't try to fix me! They didn't try to fix the situation! And (thank God!) no one quoted any Scripture at me!! They were realistic in validating my situation, they were honest in their evaluations and they were genuine in their concern for me. They prayed for me so sincerely. Very cool.

I met Mike Bishop this weekend. He wrote an article that really sold me on the "organic church" church as a lifestyle type thing. (Don't have the name of it right with me but I'll post it sometime soon. Check it out.) Great guy with much wisdom. I met some other amazing people this weekend too...Chris and Nikki , Kevin and Tracy , Bill and Molly , Allen and Liz , Mark and Jennifer , Owen and Sandy, many others whose names escape me at the moment.

Okay my kids have moved from trashing the room to thrashing each other. I must go put on my Mommy hat now. And so, with regret, I close my very first blog!